The Haunting of the Forgotten Allocation

A true tale of horror and a warning against slipping into the murky underworld of ‘The Local Plan Process’- read it if you dare!……

HAPPY HALLOWEEN! - image created by Bluepencil with Adobe firefly

It is with no small dread that I attempt to recount the harrowing circumstances that have led us to this incomprehensible planning conundrum.

In the shadowy recesses of municipal bureaucracy, dark forces, have conspired to bring about a misalignment so bewildering, it defies reason.

One cannot help but suspect that the housing allocation process—conceived in the dim council chambers, far removed from the tangible realities of this earthly plane—was never properly tested, as though the very notion of truth and fact had been eroded by eldritch forces beyond mortal comprehension. The numbers, which in their innocent simplicity seemed so reasonable, had in truth been conjured from the gross site area, a most sinister oversight. They ignored the gnarled and ancient trees, the hedgerows whispering secrets older than time, and the cursed grounds which must be left untouched for SuDS, public space, and unspeakable biodiversity mitigation.

Could it be that these planners, had failed to grasp the terrible density implications wrought by the arcane document known as the SHMA? That, when its mix of affordable and market housing was summoned from the ether, it generated a density far lower than the monstrous density demanded by the local plan? Or was there something more insidious at play—some time lag, a dreadful gap between the alignment of the SHMA and the local plan itself, through which the sinister tendrils of miscommunication crept, twisting reality into a nightmarish dream?

Indeed, as the truth emerges from the murky depths of this administrative madness, we see the very fabric of reality unravel. It becomes clear that unit numbers were calculated not in accordance with earthly laws, but rather by some mysterious logic known only to those who dare commune with the gross site area—a domain where the net site area, with its terrifying 50% loss, is but a fleeting whisper in the howling void.

And yet, the SHMA, that unholy document, had dictated a housing mix that now, in this horrifying misalignment, threatens to tear the fabric of space itself. Its dark teachings, misunderstood by all but the most clairvoyant of planners, demanded 65 dwellings at a density of 32 dwellings per hectare. But lo! The allocation called for 150 dwellings—a grotesque number equating to 75 dwellings per hectare, fit only for towering structures, three and four storeys high, casting long shadows over the quaint, historic town. Such an abomination would surely drive the local populace mad with rage, their minds unable to reconcile the looming structures with the bucolic peace that once reigned here.

The ramifications of these decisions are profound. The local authority, already faltering under the weight of missed housing targets, now finds itself ensnared in a terrifying web of its own making - The Local Plan. The planners and architects, now trapped in a no-win scenario, can find no solace in the laws of man, for they have strayed too far into the realm of chaos. Developers, too, suffer, their financial models shattered by the cold, cruel truth of the site’s limitations, as if some eerie entity had laid waste to their careful calculations.

And so, in this place of delays and confusion, where consultants and stakeholders wander as lost souls through the labyrinth of the planning process, we see the true cost of this madness. The project, once a symbol of hope and progress, now lies shackled to the dark inevitability of long delays, spiralling costs, and the endless torment of those who dared tread this path.

May those who come after learn from this grim tale and seek the truth within The Manual of Housing Density. For in the supernatural dance of gross areas and housing mixes, they must tread lightly, lest they fall into the abyss from which there is no return.

A True Story - Style inspired by HP Lovecraft.

Howard Phillips Lovecraft (1890-1937) was an American writer of weird, science, fantasy, and horror fiction.

A SHMA is A Strategic Housing Market Assessment.